i tried laying back in bed to make attempts at ceasing the intrusive thoughts but they wouldn’t stop, so i decided to write. i’m writing whatever comes out, so it may seem incoherent.

The last time i called this hotline, it was a different number, but it was changed to make it more memorable for anyone who needs to dial it. There are plenty of times i have the intrusive thoughts, but i never bother to call- i just acknowledge i have them, and wait for them to pass. Many times when i’m having an episode i know what to look for. There are times though, where the thoughts are so intrusive, ‘the end’ is the only thing that makes sense.

It was 3:03 in the morning when i decided to dial. Most people are in bed at this hour, so reaching out to a friend or loved one (as is usually suggested) would not have been a good idea. Most people who don’t deal with intrusive thoughts move about their lives, and perhaps don’t know how pervasive these thoughts could be. When having conversations with folks, there are conversations, but not necessarily a checking in, which is what someone like me needs: a constant checking in. Having someone there to just listen, even if the both of us are silent, is very important. The key is that someone is present- not just physically. i have friends, but i am still incessantly lonely.

i have friends, but calling the hotline still seems to be a choice i feel i have to make.

Being an amputee, it’s not easy for me to simply just go out and hang out with friends. i spend most of my time in the house alone. Most days, people do not check in with me. People don’t come over to check in with me. People don’t regularly call. i feel like it’s me doing most of the reaching out, asking how people are. Sometimes i don’t get an answer back. i do this with the understanding that people have their own lives, and i shouldn’t expect everyone to cater to me. That expectation would not make sense. At the same time it’s incredibly frustrating, where i get a tinge of anxiety that no one has checked in or said hello, so i end up texting a bunch of people, asking how they are.

i also cannot expect one person to do all of that labor, and i would feel horrible asking for that. i’ve tried hard to accept that at this point, everyone in my life’s communication style is different than mine- i love multiple hour-long conversations or hangout sessions about intensely dissecting art, films and music- sometimes lasting from late evening to sun up; passionately discussing political theory and events, just wandering for hours and taking strolls outside… i have to acknowledge that the older i get, those days are gone. Everyone around me has their own lives with marriage or committed partnerships, children, or some other being or thing that leads them to not being able to do these things. As a person who had a 40+ hour job, organizing, practicing jiu jitsu… i was still able to do these things, because it was important for me to do.

But being and amputee now and not having as close of in-person (or any type of) deep human connections, i still desire these things. i am not able to just go out and get whatever needs i have, then i can go back and be the typical introvert. i am an introvert, but i still desire deep human connection. But no one else in my life desires these things in the same ways i do. And it hurts.

It makes me feel as if everyone’s life is better off without me, so i won’t be in their way. So i called the number.

One of the things you are advised to do is to reach out to others in your life. But if you spend so much of the time mostly reaching out in the first place (when you are not having these thoughts), doing so when you are having the thoughts doesn’t mean that people are going to regularly start reaching out. People may do it based on the immediacy, but then their communication dies down, and the cycle repeats. So then you think, ‘It doesn’t make sense for me to reach out to people.’

The folks at the hotline are dedicated specifically to listening to you. In a lot of ways i feel horrible for calling them, in the same way i feel about even calling a friend when i am having an episode: People say i should call them, but it’s putting a lot of emotional labor on them to take in my trauma, when they actually may be having some of their own. That said, the hotline is there, where folks are specifically here to listen, so despite my reservations i called the number.

After i spoke with someone i cried until i fell asleep. i got up, did all my regular things, and still had the thoughts. They committed to doing a follow-up call, which they actually did today. The person on the line with me talked about some things i could do (including discussing what a safety plan could look like), and they even texted me some links and resources. i am not a fan of receiving links via text (i’d rather have them emailed to me, or better yet, i’d love if someone actually talked to me), but it was helpful to have them follow up.

So here we are. i tried going back to bed to stop the thoughts, but i decided to write. i guess the next thing for me to do is to actually vocalize what it is i need. i am very aware that while i don’t think this is asking for too much, others may think of it as a lot. i am also not expecting one person to fulfill all of these things for me- again, that would make little sense. Whether or not people are available or willing to do these things, that is another conversation. i just wanted to be clear, in case anyone was curious.

All of the things i named earlier (the hours-long conversations, etc.), i would love to happen. The reality is, i don’t think it will. So, at the very least, someone checking in with me every day is something i need, so i don’t feel so alone. Even if it’s a ‘How are you doing?’. A phone call would be even better, if one has time to do that. i prefer those to texts.

i don’t want to have to call 988, but sometimes, it may be the only choice i have. Besides the other one.