Five years ago, Mbuya was born, as the result of not being able to be saved.

Both of my legs i was told, looked like ground meat after getting hit by a truck, and for sixteen days, at least one of them sat in limbo. While the left leg was able to be salvaged (and held up with permanent pins and rods; on March 1, 2021, my right leg was amputated.

The doctors told me they were doing all they could to save both of them. Despite coming to terms with the inevitability (and being okay with them doing it); it was strange to see that one day i had a leg, and the next day when i woke up, it was gone. Despite coming to terms with the inevitability, seeing a missing limb (after 44 years of having it there) messes with your mind in inexplicable ways. To this day, i don’t think i could tell you how i feel about it- at least not in words.

Because i obviously exist in a new body; while i don’t necessarily celebrate my own birthday annually (since to me, every day we wake up is a birth day); i do commemorate the day of the accident, and in particular, when Mbuya (aka my amputated leg) was born. While feelings around my ‘new’ body are complicated (and sometimes i do feel sad and/or depressed); i don’t commemorate these days as painful or sad. i survived an event which nearly took me off the earth. While i cannot move through the world in the ways i did for 43.25 years of my life; my legs remind me every single day: “You survived.”
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For those who are not aware, shortly before the accident, ‘One’ by Metallica was a song i played on repeat. i cannot tell you why that is, but the second it went off, i played it all over again. Part of the first month in the hospital, i had no real access to music, and the only song that played in my head repeatedly was… ‘One’. Due to the immense pain i was in (which i wish onto no one), the song made absolute sense, as i identified with the lyrics… save the ‘landmine’ part:

I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me

Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

It made total sense to me, that whenever the song would be played post-amputation, Mbuya would respond to it. Whenever i’d play it, she’d shake or bounce uncontrollably in ways that did not happen for any other song. With that, i had an idea: Have an annual commemoration of Mbuya’s birth, by playing ‘One’.

She even has ‘excited’ vocals for the occasion:

An interesting thing which happened this year (and perhaps last year- i cannot remember), is that jesse (who celebrates this moment with us) wore mint green today, which is the color of Metallica’s logo during this era. The 45 RPM box (released by Warner Brothers), as well as the Blackened repress of the album, have either a green vinyl variant, or center label. We switch up in playing different variants each year. This year, we played both the WB 45 RPM, and the original Elektra pressing.

After we played both pressings of ‘One’, we did something i was incredibly scared to do: open the bag of items i had with me on the day of the accident. i put them on the top shelf of a closet, planning to open it some day, later than sooner. i felt comfort and gratefulness in knowing jesse would be there with me as it happened.

The only thing i knew for certain was in the bag was a highly broken glass bottle, once filled with hot turmeric tea. i was afraid that opening it would have us exposed to mold on some level. However, when the bag was opened, we discovered nothing of the sort. The contents of the bag contained items that someone who was either a very basic camper or prepper would have:

• flashlights (x2)
• pepper spray (x2)
• turmeric tea bag
• CPR kit
• mini first aid kit
• sanitary napkin
• face cleaning pads
• vitamin c
• snow boots (which i most likely were wearing when i got hit)
• keys (from my old house)
• bungee cord
• shoe covers
• hand sanitizer
• hand warmers
• bike light
• USB cord (most likely for the bike light)
• batteries

It is amazing to think that i carried these things around with me every day; i don’t remember much about life before the accident in a lot of ways. That said, i do know that i did my best to be as prepared as possible, because you never know what was going to happen (a very big pun intended).

There may be some who consider these sorts of commemorations to be silly; but i see them as a reminder of life’s unpredictability as well as life’s gifts.